The pain is gone.  The gut-wrenching anguish of my empty life, of waiting for everything is a thing of the past.  I’m not used to the freedom of being without emotional burdens, not yet.  Things are falling into place, albeit in unexpected ways. I am on the cusp of a new adventure.

I’m missing out, or at least I feel that way.  The other day while I was perusing random blogs, it hit me. I am missing out, but not in the way that I think. I am missing out on lies. I am missing out on hiding my sense of disappointment.  I am missing the confusion of not knowing who to confide in.

I don’t want to be the girl who didn’t or the girl who isn’t. I want to be the girl who overcame every obstacle and came out stronger on the other side.  I will be her, as long as I choose to follow Christ.

Reblogged from Like a Lily -The Book:

This weekend, I made two important decisions about my book. First, I make some preliminary decisions about my front cover. Sure it was just me taping various pictures to the front of an ordinary composition notebook, but it was thrilling all the same. I am not excited about what it is now, but what it could be. This is symbolic of what I hope this book will be, and also my life. I am a work in progress, constantly being molded by the God who loves me. This brings up the second exciting accomplishment of …

At first, I was not sure that I would have much to say this month.  December had me hearing clearly from God repeatedly.  When you hear a gentle whisper, a sermon that resonates particularly in your heart, a dream with a special message, and a fabulous heart to heart with a friend within a few days, it takes a lot to top something like that.   And I don’t have anything exciting to mention.  Not much of anything happened.  That is okay. Christianity is not endless entertainment.  There is much to be gained by periods of waiting.  (cue Isaiah 40 )  I have huge amounts of peace that I am where I need to be and that I am doing exactly what I should be doing.  When the time is right, love will fit into this picture.

This month I have prayed for him to have strength to overcome a very specific struggle. I have no idea why; it just popped into my head and wouldn’t leave. I also started considering how these prayers would change as my circumstances would change. I don’t know for sure, but I hope that I keep seeking answers and add in tons of thanksgiving for all the blessings I have received.

That’s enough about me. Today I am so grateful for all the other ladies who are supporting me. I lift up each of them, their needs and their deepest desires. It takes courage to pray for things we do not understand.  To keep continuously praying despite not seeing any answers takes courage.  Not seeing answers is totally different from there being no answer.  God always has an answer, even if it is to wait. Waiting never seemed so sweet as it does today.

This is part of the Women Praying Boldly series.   It is also a follow up to Significance of Six Months.

(To read any chapters that you missed, hop on over to Fiction Fridays.)

Jenny stormed outside. The rain was as cold as her heart. How could she be so stupid to let him get to her again, after all he did? She threw her unlucky bouquet onto the wet pavement. She stomped on it until the perfect flowers were reduced to a crumbled, unrecognizable mess. She threw her designer shoes across the pavement into the woods. When there was nothing left to throw, she threw her body to the ground and cried out to God.  How long would her heart ache for what she could not have.

She was unaware that a solitary figure stood there watching her.  He grabbed her in his arms and held her close.  After several minutes of valiant effort, her tears were transformed into tiny sobs.  It was at that moment that she gazed into the face of her rescuer.  It was Cory, her brother.  He had left his own wedding celebration to help her.  The generosity of it all caused the tears to well up again.

“I saw you were dancing with him again.  What happened?”

“He kissed me.  He told me he still loves me but he’s with some new girl that he plans to spend the rest of his life with.  I don’t understand.  Why would he try and make a pass at me if he’s found someone else?  I don’t want to have to compete with another woman or be some crazy one night stand.  Not anymore.”

Cory did not know if there were any words that could possibly help his sister so he stayed silent.

“Do you know what hurts worse than how he used me?  After all this time,  after everything that has happened between us, after he abandoned me, there is still a part of me that desires him.  Had he asked me tonight to take him back, without so much as a sorry, I totally would have.  Does that make me a horrible person?”

“No, it doesn’t.  It means you still know how to hope.  Mateo is my friend, but I cannot control his choices.  I never have.  Right now, I really want to go find him and punch him in the face.  I won’t, don’t worry.  I want to spend my wedding night with my wife, not in jail. Not all guys are like him.  Some are actually worth your time.”

“When?  Haven’t I suffered enough for my mistakes?” Jenny lamented.

“That I don’t know.  Do you want to come back inside, where it is not raining, or do you want to be taken home?”

“I am so not going back in there, looking like this.”

“Wait here for a minute.”

Cory discreetly found his parents and explained the problem.  They agreed to drive Jenny home and spend the night at her place to keep her company.  Cory thanked them and returned to his beautiful bride.  It was the happiest day of his life, but his heart ached for his twin sister.

Six months since I made this pact.  Six months since I went public with this desire.  I claimed my dreams as worthy to be dreamt and worthy of prayer. I am not sure how all the other ladies are doing right now, but I can definitely say that I have been changed.  I have been pushed and challenged, but have come out stronger on the other end.  Stronger might not be the correct word as I have learned to dig deeper in my faith.  While the big idea of this prayer request has stayed the same, specifically seeking a godly gentleman to become my future husband, some of the details have changed.

Have I seen results?  Sure.  They aren’t anything like I expected, but they are there no the less.  I am not in a relationship and I definitely am not dreaming of china patterns. It might seem like I am all alone, but I am most definitely not.  First of all, I have such a great support group with the other ladies in the group.  I might not be real life friends with any of them, but we are sisters and sojourners on the same path.  I can definitely sense the power of intercession.  Second, this online initiative has been helped me encourage and support some of my real life friends and sisters of faith.

As for the guys, I have seen progress.  Guys have shown me that I am desirable.  I am not invisible or forgotten.  They may or may not be acting consistent with someone who wants to pursue my heart.  Maybe they are, but I do not yet recognize such efforts.   Either way, it makes me feel real special to be noticed, and not by random creeps on the internet. There is a lot that I do not understand.  One thing is sure, if this is the kind of success that I am seeing after six months, how much closer will I be in the coming months?

This is part of the women praying boldly initiative.  Find more about that here.  Come back on Saturday for more of what I have learned this month.

Being Single: Pining for Someone to Like It & Put a Ring on It
Brandi named the struggle and was quite honest about where she is right now. The end where she discussed learning to be dependent on God, regardless of your relationship status really resonated with me.

The Most Important Thing
God is the most important thing, especially when life is a total and utter mess. I think I cried a little when I read this.

From The Men: A Woman’s Role In His Fight Against Porn
I read this before, but it still is an incredible read. Preston is a phenomenal writer with brutal honesty. This is a great article for both guys and gals. Also, you should check out his blog where he is hosting a huge series “At the Lord’s Table.”

The Friends With Benefits Epidemic
Can guys and girls be friends? Sure, but if two friend are getting physical, it is far more than friendship. Lauren tells it like it is, again.

Reaching the World, From Your Desk
You don’t have to travel to a foreign country to change the world. You don’t even have to change your daily routine. You just have to keep your eyes and your heart open.

When I was little, one of my Sunday School teachers gave each of us kids a heart magnet that read “Jesus Loves …” I loved looking at my Leeann magnet.  It had my name on it.  This fact was even more special to me than most children.  No one can spell Leeann correctly.  When you looked at the personalized mugs, key chains, and trinkets at the stores, there was never one with Leeann on it. My sister’s name was more typical, thus was always on the rack of personalized things.  Sometimes there would be a Lee or an Ann, and if I was lucky, both components would be there at the same time.  It was almost my name.  The magnet was different.  It was made especially for me and it was perfect.

I grew older and learned to love Jesus.  I chose to believe long before I knew what real trouble was like.  I could not imagine going through life without Jesus beside me.  Then, I went away to college and life suddenly got a whole lot tougher.  I still loved Jesus but there were countless other things that also sought my attention.  Sometimes, I would make the wrong choice.

After four long years, I graduated and returned to my hometown.  The pastor of my church and his wife graciously started and hosted a small group for young adults in the church and the community.  It went well for a while, but there were never the numbers they hoped for.  I remember one week, pouring out my heart and sharing my insecurities.  They listened.  She quickly named my fears and how I doubted my self-worth.  That was crucial.  I couldn’t work to overcome my struggles until I could name them.

For the first time, I understood what I had been suffering through for months and probably years.  I dug deeper into the Word and read as much on the topic as I could.  Through that journey, I learned just how significant it is to say that Jesus loves me.

If I have a bad day, Jesus Loves Me.

When I do everything right, Jesus Loves Me.

When I know what I should do, but choose the opposite instead, Jesus Loves Me.

When I think I am failing at everything, Jesus Loves Me.

When I ask for forgiveness, Jesus Loves Me.

When I choose to follow Him, Jesus Loves Me.

No matter what happens, Jesus Loves Me.

Jesus loves me and that it is what matters most.

When I was in college, I went on a retreat where they had this huge wall-sized poster where everyone could write down their answers to prayer.  It was exciting to see as the week went on, how the wall became filled with answered prayer.  It was lovely to see how many people could see God working in their lives.

God still answers prayers.  Sometimes we need to share those answers with those around us.  It could encourage and embolden them.  Besides, we are called to rejoice with those who rejoice.

Today I have two small answers to prayer to share with you.  One is that last week, there were five students in my Sunday school class.  This may not seem like a lot to some of you, but it is huge.  A small country congregation is growing.  I have been praying since the beginning of the year that my class would grow and fill our classroom to capacity.  During craft and snack time, we sit around one kidney table.  Five children took up the whole “C” side of the table.   There were only the two spots next to me available.   It is not yet what I envisioned, but it is progress.  I am so thankful for this small step.

Also, the head of the Sunday school program approached me about having a helper in my classroom.  There are more adults willing to help in the nursery than there are small children that need to be watched during that hour.  The plan is that the extra person in there would come over and be an extra pair of hands in my classroom.  I was thrilled when I heard this news.  This would be the first time ever that I would have another adult helping me in Sunday school.

When I started with the twos and threes, I was alone.  The class of 4, 5, and Kindergarteners was larger so there were two people in that classroom.  I don’t know how I managed some weeks, but I did it.  I would take all four of them for a group bathroom break. I persisted and told those little ones about how much Jesus loved them.  As they grew older, I needed less help to wrangle them and could focus more on teaching.

Most of them moved on to a new class last fall once they started first grade.  Not only are my current students younger than the ones from last year, but three of the five are in their first weeks of ever going to Sunday school.  It is quite a change for them from the nursery, where they get to play the whole time, to a classroom where we learn as well as play.  So I am quite thankful for even being able to share some of the responsibility for those darling little hearts.